The sun streamed in through the windows and back door, making the blonde wood of our kitchen table glow warmly. My parents sat on two sides, piles of papers that my dad was working on arranged in an L around him. I have no memory of the exact conversation, but I remember not liking it. I remember feeling desperately afraid and hurt, and starting to cry.

"Meltdown" describes my reaction pretty well.                                                         &n… — "Meltdown" describes my reaction pretty well. *Image CC0 via Pixabay*

I didn’t take my parents’ discussion of their end-of-life wishes very well. In fairness, I was a teenager with the usual litany of hormonal teen angst, which certainly primed me for a less-than-level headed reaction. Further, I can’t say that if the conversation were to happen again today that I wouldn’t be fighting some of the same emotional responses; I’d like to think I could set those aside long enough to help in the discussion and filing of necessary paperwork.

Still, when I look back at my younger self’s reaction, I can see why so many people avoid the topic of death at all costs. Broken down, here are the biggest reasons I think Americans avoid pre-planning the end of their life.

Magical Thinking - “If I plan it, I’m just making it easier to die.”

I’ve discussed magical thinking previously: the tendency to believe that “if you build it, they will come.” On some level, most people have an unconscious fear that by planning what will happen after they die, they will accelerate the arrival of their impending death. By avoiding the subject in all but the most oblique and tangential ways, we hope the grim specter of death can be held at bay. This tendency flows into and fuels some of the other reasons we avoid planning or even just discussing our deaths. Ironically, the same tendency to not think about it to prevent it from happening creates a vicious cycle with some of the most common fears regarding death, which I’ll get into here shortly.

Plenty of time to get around to it...right?                                      Image CC0 via Pixabay — Plenty of time to get around to it...right? *Image CC0 via Pixabay*

Cognitive Bias - “I don’t need to think about that right now, I’ve got so much life ahead of me”

In a way, the tendency for people to avoid end-of-life planning has much in common with failing to save for retirement, and anything else that deals with future consequences that are difficult to foresee and potentially troublesome to arrange in the short-term. Sometimes called ‘time discounting’, all people suffer under this mental bias because its difficult to think about things that are probably in the far-off future, and it’s just plain easier to ‘not worry about it right now’. Unfortunately, the end result can be that when the time comes, nothing has been done, and so hard decisions will have to be made without the luxury of time to consider options.

Emotional Overload - “Why do something that makes me and everyone I love feel so terrible?”

Death, dying and long-term illness have the ability to forcefully throw virtually every emotion possible to the forefront. I’d argue that the flood of emotions boils down to fear and the myriad reactions we have to different fears. Fears of losing the ones we love, fears of pain and suffering, fears of not being able, or knowing how, to cope without spouses or parents-- they can lead to all the feelings: from anger and anxiety (“why would you want to think about not being around?!”) to loneliness and grief (see LeAnn Rimes’ ‘How do I Live).

Most people want to just NOPE on out of such a conversation.                                                     &… — Most people want to just NOPE on out of such a conversation. *Image CC0 via Pixabay*

In order to discuss and plan for the end of life, emotions need to be set aside, at least to the point that actual forward movement and decisions can be made. When combined with magical thinking, the issue of death planning can get exceptionally messy; we often avoid the topic both out of a fear of hastening death’s arrival, and in an attempt to ward off the pain and anxiety of working through the pre-planning process, until the fear is overwhelming.

Because it’s a frightening and stressful topic, we don’t want to think about our death, so we avoid the subject. Because we avoid the subject, we hold onto a number of fears surrounding death, so we make it more stressful and frightening. The one thing we rarely do is seek out information and do the things that could alleviate our own fears and make it easier on our survivors to cope with our loss. This is obviously easier said than done, but the long-term rewards can be worth taking the time sooner rather than later, to research, talk about, make decisions, and file any necessary paperwork. Which brings me to the last reason people avoid discussions around end-of-life plans and pre-planning.

Perceived Value - "This is depressing and stressful and it's not like I get anything out of it."

It’s hard enough to fight against cognitive bias, emotions and unconscious associations when something potentially valuable is on line. It’s nearly impossible to overcome inertia when there doesn’t seem to be any real value to the time and effort spent. This is where the biggest misconception is: the belief that there isn’t much value in deciding now what will only be relevant either in the far future or when it “no longer matters”.

I suspect that this lack of perceived value is partly due to the way the United States views death and dying, which is heavily individualist. To a degree this is true and makes sense, but this viewpoint, when carried to the extreme that we do-- of not planning for our own death because ‘you die alone’ or arranging our funeral because ‘I won’t be there, so why should I care’-- goes beyond the independent, individual choices we believe we should have and into realms of narcissism and callousness. It completely ignores those left behind: your loved ones.

Father Goose Music (Wayne Rhoden) on life support.                                                        &nb… — Father Goose Music (Wayne Rhoden) on life support. *Image CC4.0, by Father Goose Music, as posted on Wikimedia Commons*

When you are dying, or dead, those are the people who have to make decisions for or about you, and these decisions may have to be made with no input from you. Unless, that is, you’ve planned ahead and decided on advance directives, living wills, and funeral arrangements. Unless, that is, you had chosen to consider what it would be like for the people around you, who are in the midst of a torrent of pain and fear and uncertainty, now having to make potentially costly and life-or-death decisions.