When I decided to go back to school five years after earning my Bachelor’s degree, I had expected to be required to take a few prerequisite classes covering subjects I had previously taken.  After all, “Calculus for Business Analysis” isn’t the sort of math that is accepted for a degree in engineering.  I was, however, taken aback at the administration’s insistence that I didn’t have enough English writing courses.  Despite having spent nearly two years working on a single thesis as a required part of my Asian Studies program (including an entire writing course devoted solely to this paper) the school felt I was lacking the ability to research and write a logical argument.   So, I was compelled to take a class that would fill this shocking “void” in my previous education.

My final essay for that writing class required me to select a problem and put forth a solution, creating a convincing argument for following my proposal.  Finding myself in need of a topic, I did what any college student would do: I watched TV.  I watched a show on unusual and unique burials and graves, which included discussion about a shrinking amount of space in cemeteries. I followed a whim and declared this to be the problem I would address in my essay.  Now, four years later, this topic I picked for amusement has actually become my passion, and is arguably the foundational event for the creation of Alternative Undertakings.  In honor of that history, the next few weeks will be that final essay; slightly re-edited and serialized.

A Lasting Legacy: Fixing the Cemetery Space Dilemma

The professionals work quickly.  The body has been dead only for a short time, but the process must be completed as soon as possible.  The corpse is stripped of clothing, medical equipment and other personal effects, and all cuts, bruises and discolorations are noted in paperwork.  After a disinfecting spray has been liberally applied, the muscles are softened manually, and the body set into position.  The face is then shaved, regardless of gender.  The features must then be set.  The eyes receive a plastic cap or cotton covering to make them appear closed, not sunken, and stay crème or glue is used to keep them shut.  The mouth will need to be kept shut, possibly by suture, which includes threading a large curved needle through the jaw (below the gums) up through the upper jaw, into the right nostril, across the nasal septum then back down through the left nostril into the upper jaw, finally being tied with the other end.  A mouth-cap is then inserted to help form the lips, and stay crème, or—in some cases—a  little caulk-like mastic compound will be used to keep the lips closed. The embalming may now begin, with about two gallons of solution, usually containing formaldehyde, being pumped into an artery while the blood is simultaneously ejected from a nearby vein.  It should be noted that sometimes, the solution is stronger to deal with medical conditions or drugs that are present in the body.  Once this process is completed, the tubing is removed, and the wounds sutured shut.  Unfortunately, it is now time to empty the body cavities—the stomach, intestines, bladder and lungs must all be punctured and the contents removed before being filled with another strong, formaldehyde based fluid.  The anus and vagina are either packed with cotton to prevent leakage, or a tight plastic garment is put on the body.  This is, of course, assuming an autopsy has not been performed.  If one has, then the previously removed organs will be incinerated, or soaked in the embalming fluid, then either sewn back into the body cavity or kept in a bag at the foot of the casket.  The body is then cleaned, dressed, and groomed, complete with manicure, hair style and makeup application. 

Finally, the body is placed in a steel-lined wooden casket.  Depending on taste, this can be expensive mahogany from the tropics, or a more simple wood.  After the social rituals of mourning, the casket is sealed, and lowered into a complete concrete vault.  This vault has walls that are approximately four inches thick.  The also four-inch thick vault lid is maneuvered into place with machinery, and then some level of dirt and sod can be placed to match the surrounding grave area’s height. 

At this point, I think it necessary to ask: is this process honoring the dead, or trying to prevent a zombie apocalypse?